I’m feeling good these days.
Happy, confident, not so much like I want to die. I’m doing what I want when I want. Most of that involves friends and family, no shitty men. I want to date. I really do. But sometimes I would just rather be alone right now. I said in the past and I will say again, there is a freedom in a broken heart, in being single again. I always know what I’m doing, how I’m feeling, who I’m talking to. The thing with grief is though, it’s an ongoing, everyday process of learning to let go and choosing to move on.
No drama.
Well, that’s a lie, my friends and family have a lot of drama. But when it’s just me it’s (usually) a peaceful calm. Most of the time. I’m bored right now. Work is slow, I’m spending a shit ton of time alone. And sometimes, dare I say it, I get a little lonely. My goal for sharing all of this has been to be incredibly real and honest. Share my deepest, darkest thoughts so that you would know you are not alone. Divorce is a type of grief. You are grieving the loss of your partner, your dream for your relationship, and your ideas or plans for the future. Grief changes you and sometimes it is incredibly overwhelming. Your thoughts and emotions are valid right now. And truth be told? Sometimes it’s really really hard.
So here it is.
Friday night, after happy hour and helping friends, when I was a little drunk and a little baked, I found myself in bed early. And I cried. And cried. I felt that heartburn I haven’t had in a long time. I didn’t want to. I have been feeling good. But I missed that companionship of a partner that friends and family just can’t always fulfill. I wanted someone next to me to hold me while I fell asleep. Someone to tell me they loved me while we switched the lights out.
Instead, I was alone. And it hurt. I cried for an hour or more. Turned on my sad, heartbreak music and just felt it. Felt the sadness and grief. Let the tears flow. I didn’t shut it off or wish it away. I just felt it. I rested the phone on my chest so I could feel the music. Listen to the beat. Sing the sad songs in the darkness of my bedroom. And eventually, I fell asleep. I woke up Saturday with a new energy and life, ready to take on the world again.
They say…
Side note, I always hate when people say, “they say” like who the fuck are they and why do I give a fuck what they say to begin with. Anyway, they say, and I guess “they” in this instance is the grief people, for example, counselors, psychologists and other people who know grief, that you have to feel it. Don’t repress it. Don’t ignore it. Just feel it. And that sucks sometimes. I explained it recently as the worst heartburn I’ve ever had. When you can literally FEEL your heartbreaking. Again, I guess it’s not literal, a heart cannot physically break. I remind myself sometimes that I can’t die from a broken heart, even though I feel like I might sometimes. So what’s that feeling? Heartsick? I have no idea. But I know it fucking hurts.
It’s not that easy.
I wanted it to stop but what does that mean too? Stop feeling pain. Stop feeling grief. Okay. If it were that fucking easy I would fucking stop. So thanks but no thanks tell me something real. And real talk, it doesn’t stop just because we want it to. So instead I SAY take the time you need. Cry when you want or need to. That’s how you heal. Because I may not be a counselor or psychologist but I know heartbreak. This last year, I’ve gotten to know heartbreak quite well. Dare I say, heartbreak and I have come frenemies.
Feeling the feels.
Allowing yourself those feelings allows you to move on to the next feeling. A place when you are able to be present with family and friends, rather than consumed by thoughts of your broken heart. So grieve when you can. On your terms, as you see fit. Life is messy and complicated. And so is your heartbreak and grief. It’s complicated, so don’t simplify it. It can’t be done. So cry. Sit in the darkness. Eat cupcakes or ice cream or drink too much whiskey. It will pass. This is a season of life, not an everyday occurrence. Seasons pass. Heartbreak ends.
The tide.
I know it feels like it will never end sometimes. Trust me. I promise you, I know and I get it. I won’t lie to you. It hurts like a mother fucker. So feel it when you feel bad. And feel it later when you feel fucking good. When going out with a friend or shopping or watching tv or a new date makes you feel good. And even if after that date or shopping or baby shower (I did that today and only once started to feel like I wanted to run out screaming) you want to cry in your bed or bath or car, do it. [clickToTweet tweet=”Grief comes in waves, but here’s a fact, waves go in and out. Eventually, the tide will be a little less frequent.” quote=”Grief comes in waves, but here’s a fact, waves go in and out. Eventually, the tide will be a little less frequent.”]
Trust the process.
Like mine. But that doesn’t mean it’s over or I’m healed. It’s a process. Sometimes its an everyday process of feeling abandoned, lost, lonely, and angry. Grief can be overwhelming at times. You are allowed to grieve on your terms and in your time. Trust the process. So trust it. Feel it. It’s working. I’m proof. Every day isn’t a bad day. And sometimes it is. I’ve been there when you are having more bad days than good. But you are okay. I am okay. You will move through the overwhelming grief and into a life that isn’t coated with tears and drama. Just keep going.
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#yourgriefyourterms
XOXO – Jessica
How do you handle your sad moments? Am I the only one who sometimes likes those sad songs make me want to cry rivers of tears?
