It’s 3 am.

I have found myself in what I tell my therapist to be the crazy place. I’m sure you know what I’m talking about, or you’re lying to yourself that it’s not that bad. Or maybe you are a freak of nature that handles everything perfectly and doesn’t go to the crazy place. The crazy place I’m talking about is the place you find yourself when all rational thoughts have left your body and you find yourself Googling ‘How to get revenge on a cheating ex’.

Or maybe I’m the only one who does that? Somehow, I doubt it though, based on the number of articles I am able to find and the number of memes and graphics online of revenge and cheating exes. So… obviously, there is a market for it.

First things first.

Cheating is awful. The cheater told me he didn’t want to break up with me because I would freak out…. so, cheating on me and getting another girl pregnant was the next best option. Dumbass. Yes, he thought to find out he cheated not just once, but multiple times with multiple women would be better than just hurting my feelings by breaking up with me. #youreadouche And also, he was very, very wrong. I’m pretty sure the crazy place was born out of the minds hell when dealing with the reality of a cheating ex.

Second things second.

It’s fucking disgusting. Cheaters are fucking disgusting. It is gross AF to think about your boyfriend fucking another woman (without condoms) and then coming back to you. It is an image that will never leave my mind and even on a good day, can send me into a downward spiral to the crazy place. Thinking about your man saying the same things to you he’s saying to her is awful. Thinking about him making future plans with her and the same plans with me. What a psycho. Also, who does that? Horrible people. There is never a reason to cheat. Fucking leave. Obviously, if you are cheating we aren’t losing much so just go, break up with us like a decent human and then you are free to fuck whomever you please.

Got a long list of ex-lovers

They’ll tell you I’m insane

‘Cause you know I love the players

And you love the game

And what about her?

My friend said one time maybe she’s not a whore like you think J but she’s just a girl who fell in love. #friendshipover Thems fighting words sista. I wanted to punch her. I don’t give a fuck that she’s just a girl who fell in love. She fell in love with my fucking boyfriend. She had to know about me.

Or she didn’t but then she sure as shit found out when I Facebook messaged her that I had sex with him the next day after he proclaimed his love to her in I love you balloons and flowers. She tagged him in a photo “feeling so loved” – with my boyfriend… He had the decency to defriend me on Facebook before I saw that, what a sweetheart. Insert sarcasm here. I saw it eventually when I hacked his Facebook a few days later, from the crazy place but that’s a story for another time.

So was the pregnancy a trap to keep him, just an accident, or just part of their future plans together? The future plans he told me recently he was so excited about. Bite me mother fucker. And also, I fucking doubt it, you big douche.

He doesn’t know how to feel real feelings. He’s a liar and a cheater, what my therapist called a narcissistic sociopath. And overall not even a good catch (more on that later). So once again why do I feel crazy? More likely, I feel rejected, hurt, embarrassed, disgusted, all at the same time. I have more good days than bad anymore but still, on an occasion like tonight, I somehow ended up back in the crazy place.

I’d like to call this “when social media stalking goes awry”.

I still find myself searching social media for clues about their new life together. I’d like to see proof they are together and having an illegitimate love child. I do it with both my recent exes. I don’t know why I keep doing it. It’s like an obsession I can’t stop. I even have him blocked but then tonight found myself on his business page. It just fueled my rage as while we were together, I built him a website to help him gain more business. You better believe I had it down within the hour of finding out his dirty secrets.

I don’t want to look at their social media, but sometimes it’s like I literally can’t control it. I haven’t even seen anything, it’s all just a bunch of shit I don’t even care about. Truth? That is better for everyone involved. Because I’m sure if I saw something I would just be even more crushed about the situation. I also don’t believe him when he says he’s happy.

He lied to me for over a month about the pregnancy, “because it was none of my business”. Um… your child was conceived when you said you were in love with me. While we were exclusive. While your stuff was at my place. So how is that not my business? This pregnant homewrecker is an ex of his who just last year punched him in the face, gave him a black eye, and broke his glasses. The same girl he talked shit on to me for months. The same ex him and his friends call Fiona because of her unfortunate looks. Fiona, as in Shrek’s wife. Now I know what you are thinking, don’t be mad at her. Be the bigger person. And 99% of the time I am.

When I go to the crazy place, all bets are off.

It’ll leave you breathless

Or with a nasty scar

Most the time I pity her. I honestly don’t believe he’s happy and “looking forward to their future together”. I do believe; however, he’s likely already cheating on her while she’s pregnant with his baby and ultimately that’s a way worse place to be then my temporary crazy place. He has done this repeatedly. Literally, 7-10 woman, I have heard about that he has cheated on (but more on this later). The double life is something he is good at and lying is a second nature for him. So, thinking he would stop or that she is the exception makes her a bigger fool than me. He won’t stop. It’s a lifestyle for him. Plus, part of me hopes he cheats on her and breaks her heart too. That’s awful to admit aloud but I do.