Plenty of Fish in the Sea.

I swear to God if one more person uses a dating/love cliche to me again, Ima smack a bitch.  Maybe that’s being a little harsh?  But maybe not.  I know people want to be supportive and positive whenever someone is going through a breakup.  But what the hell people, come up with some new lines.  The clichés I’m talking about are the ones anyone dating ever has heard before.

It’s also worse if you were just a single person hating dating life as much as me, but now have a boyfriend for two weeks and think you can say this to me.  Like bitch please, you were shooting tequila off hot 23-year-olds two weekends ago, don’t EVEN begin to tell me how to just let go, stop caring and it will happen for me.  And while you’re at, save the dating clichés for someone else.  Ima be sick.  Do your single friends a favor, scan the list below and steer clear of anything that’s potentially offensive to the happily single folks of the world, we have enough problems.

1. Don’t worry you’ll find someone, there are plenty of fish in the sea.

It’s slim pickings out there. You can’t swing a Fendi purse without knocking over five losers.

That doesn’t change the fact that I can’t seem to meet even one fish in the sea…  so pointing it out doesn’t make it any less sad or any easier to meet these so-called fish.  Maybe I’m in the wrong pond?

2.  Stop looking and that’s when you’ll meet someone.

   

Thanks again for this one.  I’m not even sure why this is so bad.  It’s like what do you think I do?  Prowl the streets every night looking for someone to love me.  I don’t.  In fact, I hardly get out so maybe that’s the problem.  But looking?  Definitely not.  And also, two weeks ago you were crying me a river about how life sucked and you would die alone.  Just because your standards may be lower than mine does not make you a relationship expert.  Also, when you break up next month I’m going to speak only in clichés for an entire week to make you pay for speaking these words to me.  Is that insensitive?  #sorrynotsorry

3.  You just need a nice, boring guy.

Fact, everyone wants a bad boy and nice guys finish last.  Also fact, I made that last fact up.  Yes, I’m sure you were attracted to your boyfriend/husband because he was a nice, boring guy.  Men that bore me are just the best.  (Insert sarcasm here).  I know my type these days is men who are emotionally unavailable, angry, driving without a valid license, and/or old ex-boyfriends, but give me a break.  And also, WHERE are these nice, boring guys and how do you meet them, because I’m much more interested in that.  The X was a nice, boring guy and as it turns out, he was still an asshole.

4.  You have to love yourself before you can really love anyone else.

Trust me.  I love myself a lot.  I work from home and have been single most of the last year.  I spend a lot of time alone which means I have to really enjoy myself and my alone time in order to not go nuts.  This one is especially frustrating from recently single people.  Like, you focused on loving yourself for a couple months while you slept with everyone in town.  I have to actually be alone… A LOT.  So I promise you, I know what it means to love yourself.  And I’m not talking masturbation.  Though that helps too.

5.  Don’t sleep with guys until the 3rd date.

First, who invented this rule?  I’d like to know.  I’m also pretty sure, he can just as easily not call you after 3rd date sex just as easily as he could not call you after 1st date sex.  Plus if everyone knows this rule, and by everyone, I mean dating men, then why wouldn’t they just wait until the 3rd date?  Shit, you can bang 3 dates out in one week and be fucking by Friday.  The jig is up.  Do it whenever you want.  He will call again unless he’s a doucher… or you are bad in bed.  Kidding about the last part…maybe.

6.  Wait two days before you respond.  Or three days after a date to call.  Or something like that.

Again, who invented this rule?  Side note:  I love How I Met Your Mother.  Enjoy the sidebar here when Barney explains the three-day rule.  If you don’t call me until 2-3 days post date, don’t expect a second date.  Okay, I’m lying.  A guy I went on one date with over 30 days ago, text for a second date.  And I went.  I told you I’m feeling a little desperate these days.  Plus he’s super hot.  But come on everyone, why the games?

If you like someone text or call, if you don’t.  Don’t.  I’ve gone on a lot of dates the last few months and in reality most the time when he didn’t call, I was relieved.  I don’t want to have to have an awkward convo about how I don’t want to see you again either.  If you aren’t vibing usually both parties can tell.  On the other side of this, ladies, why is it always the ones we don’t want to call that do and vice versa?

 7.  You have to put yourself out there.

First things first, Bite me.  I’m out there.  What would you prefer I do?  Walk downtown with a sign that says currently single.  I’ve tried it didn’t work.  Just kidding, I haven’t tried.  But I might be desperate enough soon.  What does this MEAN?  How do I put myself out there?  If you mean to put myself out there by going home with every man I ever meet, then you would be right I’m not doing that.  But I’m friendly, outgoing, talkative and I wear a lot of low cut shirts.  However, maybe I’m still doing something wrong.  A guy friend of mine did say I use a lot of fuck words and sometimes talk too loud in public.  But I wear heels and lipstick SO WHAT’S THE FUCKING PROBLEM? 😉

8.  Opposites attract.

Do they? And if they do attract do they last?  What happens when you have nothing in common?  How is that a match made in heaven?   A friend of mine said recently about online dating, “Every man has profile pictures of him hiking a mountain, biking the country, or kayaking the lake.  Where are the pics of men sitting on the couch and drinking beer?  Because that’s what I want to do.  I don’t want a man who actually does things.”  #same #truth  No one actually does those things… do they?

9.  If they don’t love you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best.

What is this suppose to mean?  I’m the worst?  Thanks, I already knew that.  While that may be a good phrase and probably holds some truth, I’m not sure how this is helpful.  You are saying it’s okay to look like shit, eat with your mouth open, wear sweats on your date, or anything else someone offensive for a first impression.  We are all human and no one is perfect.  But I’m pretty sure I make a hell of a good first impression.  Most the time… and before too much wine.

10.  Everything happens for a reason.

    

What do you think the reason for my divorce was then?  Do not answer that.  And if you give me a divorce cliche or inspirational quote, I will actually vomit… in your direction.  Sometimes there isn’t a reason.  I’m pretty sure.  I have some guesses about why my marriage didn’t work.  But I don’t know what the reason was my first relationship out of my marriage ended in me being cheated on.  So I never trust a man again?  Done.  So I could regret my decision to leave my marriage?  Done.  I’m not sure what the reason is that I’m alone.  But it better be a damn good one.

In conclusion, please stop using clichés, especially if you are in a couple already.  Clichés and relationship related memes are reserved only for people actually on the dating market.  It’s the only humor we have left in life.  You have partners, give us this.  Otherwise prepare for an endless amount of eye rolls, sarcastic coughs, and/or a smack across the face.  Single friends, you have my permission to do all of the above to cliché using assholes.

#STFU

XOXO – J