I’ve got new rules, I count them.
Healing from a breakup of any kind is treacherous. Even when we make up our minds, our hearts don’t always fall in line so easily. There is an unspoken set of rules that follow any breakup, what you should do, what you shouldn’t But it’s not so black and white. The X and I stayed connected for a long time. He remained on my phone plan the last year and to this day still has belongings at my home. Following my separation, I entered another relationship quickly, wanting to do anything but be alone and stay in pain. We dated for a few months but I found out later the first man I trusted with my heart after my marriage ended cheated on me. I was devastated. So here is another tip, never date the rebound.
Call me crazy.
Men love to call women crazy. Sometimes our broken hearts make our desperate behavior appear just that, crazy. But behind every crazy woman, there is usually a man who made her that way. Divorce is hard. I wanted more for my marriage and I never expected it would end this way. A year later, I thought I would be somewhere else. Sometimes the divorce still bothers me. I will myself to think about something else. Anything else. Literally anything. Pick a subject, any subject, that doesn’t send you on a spiral toward the crazy place. It may be a little late for that though. A couple glasses of wine and I find myself doing my super secret behavior of obsessively checking my exes social media. Recently, The X and his new gf have unblocked their social media and friends, that’s way fucking worse then it being blocked.
Why?? You may ask why I keep checking it and I wish I fucking knew. But I legit don’t know why I keep checking it. I don’t need or want to see it. It still feels like a knife to the heart when I see their new happy life together. I feel a sense of panic and a severe loss of control/emotional stability upon seeing it. It was better when it was blocked and now I have to see it. His comments to her. It breaks my heart. He was with me not even two months ago saying he wanted to move home. He said all the right things, cheated on his girlfriend, and stayed the night with me. I let him. I became the other women even though I fucking HATE cheating and cheaters. After everything I’ve been through I was responsible for hurting another female through cheating. I struggle still with whether or not to tell her. I haven’t because he still leaves me in fear of what his retaliatory reaction would be. So instead I let her be happy I guess. Maybe they are just right for each other and we aren’t.
Two months ago he was in my arms, so their social media love makes me want to puke. He stayed the night with me. We had sex, multiple times. Then he came back to my house two days later. Said he had zero feelings for me, blame it on the alcohol, he didn’t want to be with me again. He just needed some closure. I’m so fucking glad he could use my heart and my body to get his closure. All the while he ripped my heart out for the hundredth fucking time. I screamed at him that I knew he would do this. I threw a beer bottle at his head, told him to get the fuck out of my house and out of my life. He said he hoped we could have a rational conversation. A rational conversation about what? That you fucked me and decided to go back to your new girlfriend? Talk calmly about how you used me for sex? Thanks but no thanks ass hole.
This recent rendezvous sent me to a crazy place again. I felt like I was finally moving on from him. Moving into acceptance. But instead, I resorted back to a place of severe depression. I felt the rejection all over again. I spiraled for a few more months. And I blame him. Why come back? Why break my heart again? The things he said to me, talking shit on this girl, how much he missed his house, how I was the best he ever had. All lies? I doubt it. But he’s fucked up and not my problem anymore. His issues will come out with her eventually and I am the lucky one who doesn’t have to deal with it anymore.
Music = Life.
I keep pushin’ forwardsBut he keeps pullin’ me backwardsNow I’m standing back from itI finally see the pattern
So friends, here are my new rules.
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One, don’t pick up the phone. You know he’s only calling ’cause he’s drunk and alone.
2. Two, don’t let him in. You’ll have to kick him out again.
I let him in. We met for beers. It was awkward at first, I felt uncomfortable sitting across from him after all this time. But that feeling melted away as we talked and drank. I suggested we watch the Seahawks game somewhere. Then he started it. He made some comment about taking me home to fuck the shit out of me because he knew that’s what I wanted. We embraced and kissed in the parking lot. He followed me home to the house we shared together. We turned on the game, drank more beers, and he asked me to dress up in a leopard print piece of lingerie that he loves. We cuddled on the couch, made love like we used to. We ordered take out and ate dinner together. He fell asleep in my arms, while I stroked his hair. He stayed the night, slept next to me, and we woke up together. I felt more peace then I had in ages just being with him again. Until two days later, when he came back to have that “rational” conversation, I had to kick him out again. As I watched him leave, I sank to the kitchen floor and cried for hours. Nothing prepared me for how bad it would feel to lose him for the 3rd time in one year.
3. Three, don’t be his friend. You know you’re gonna wake up in his bed in the morning.
[clickToTweet tweet=”If you’re under him. You ain’t getting over him.” quote=”If you’re under him. You ain’t getting over him.”]
These rules come from a song called New Rules, by Dua Lipa. I love this song. It’s so truthful to my life. Learn these rules. Repeat them to yourself. Don’t make the same mistakes again. You broke up for a reason. Remind yourself of the reasons. Don’t answer the phone, don’t return the texts, don’t let him in. You can’t have sex with someone you love and feel nothing. Well maybe men can, but for women, it’s not that easy. It’s a slippery slope to feelings and heartbreak again. Don’t break your own heart. You can’t continue to dance with the devil and wonder why you are still in hell.. Reconnecting with an ex reopens old wounds that are too hard to heal. Men, don’t do this to women. Work out your closure without calling them to fuck one more time. It’s hell watching someone you love walk out the door again. I won’t fall for it again.
I’ve got new rules, I count them.
#newrules
XOXO – J