Let’s talk heartache.

I previously promised a little more detail about my heartache. So friends let’s talk cheaters, liars, users, abusers and other scum of the earth for a minute. It is difficult to trust anyone after a breakup, divorce or separation is no different. Following a heartbreaking separation with The X, I found myself in a vulnerable place. I fell into an easy situation with a male friend that I knew had a sorted past, meaning long cheating history, criminal records, and other definite red flags.  I considered myself the exception.  I would be the exception to the rule. I’m going to share with you why you should never believe you will be the exception, but rather always the rule.

#mistakenumberone – Don’t date someone at work.

I knew of his past.  We had talked about it.  He had been very open with me.  His past girlfriend had shared their issues with me.  I believed he would never behave in such a way to me.  I considered him, the doucher in question, to be one of my closest friends.  Lost and confused following my separation, I trusted this man, to be called in this post and all future posts, Cheater, with my already broken heart. We had known each other for 2 years or so. We worked together. I knew him personally. I had hired him myself.  He knew what I had been going through.

#mistakenumbertwo – Don’t rush into a new relationship.

You can do what you want.  Everyone rebounds.  But for me, it was a mistake to rush into a relationship.  You need time to heal.  I needed that.  Instead of taking time to grieve my failed marriage, I tried to replace The X so I just didn’t have to be alone.  It caused more grief and heartache when I then found out later my “boyfriend” had slept with 3 other women (that I know about), knocked 1 up.  I didn’t eat or sleep for 10-14 days.

#mistakenumberthree – Grieve the loss of your relationship. 

My marriage didn’t end overnight.  It was over the span probably about a year and a half or more while the fighting got worse, the distance between us expanded, and a separation grew imminent. I made mistakes I’m not proud of. The X made mistakes too.  But ultimately love failed us (more on this later).  Together, we needed time, to dismantle a life we were building.  I needed time after my marriage ended to grieve the future I had planned with The X.  I still had to process what had happened and find who I was as a new divorcee.

#mistakenumberfour – Patterns don’t lie.

If it happens repeatedly, it’s no coincidence it’s a pattern.  My so-called friend (Cheater) told me we were in similar places, both out of long-term relationships and going through the same heartache.  He wanted to date “exclusively” so even though I didn’t feel ready, I made the jump into a new “relationship”. I would later find out he had never actually broken up with his long-term ex, like he said, but was in fact already committed as someone else’s boyfriend.

Unknowingly, I became the other woman.   I imagine this story would be much different if I had known then what I know now.  I had met her at a party before where she had told me he had cheated on her multiple times.  But I wanted to believe that it was different with me. Like a fool, I believed myself the exception.

Other than The X drama and my impending divorce, things were fine in the beginning. My therapist calls what happened, love bombing.  The definition of love bombing is an attempt to influence someone by demonstrations of attention and affection. He showered me with gifts and affections.  He led me to believe we wanted the same things out of life.

Slowly more of his stuff gathered at my house and we progressed through the stages of a relationship beginning, meeting family and friends of one another.  Until New Year’s Eve.  When that fucking love bomb blew up in my face.

The accident.

We were involved in a car accident NYE and he was arrested on an outstanding warrant. Failure to complete community service… idiot.  The story as I remember it (due to a high level of intoxication) is that the car slid on ice and we hit a telephone pole.  He got out and I couldn’t.  I’m still not sure if I was too drunk to operate door handles or something mechanical had happened due to down electrical wires.

He was texting and calling me to get out.  In my drunken state, as police arrived, I thought if I could just get out we wouldn’t be in trouble.  So I jumped out a car window I found down in the back passenger seat, fell into a ton of blackberry bushes, ending up with a broken wrist and looking like I had lost a fight.  Then I was tossed in the back of a cop car for hours.

Let me tell you the comical part of the story, and I know you’re thinking J this sounds awful and can’t be comical at all.  Just listen.  A lady police officer yelled at another officer that I was using my phone in the back of their car.  So they took it away…and put it in the front seat.  Then I asked Siri to call my mom.  Bitch, you ain’t taking my phone!  My sister is a parole officer, my brother in law a sheriff.  I knew if anyone could help me they could.

I was eventually released to a male friend who came graciously to pick my sorry ass up.  The next day, my mom came over.  She proceeded to tell me that upon a background check, my man (the cheater) did not, in fact, have even a valid license…. but that’s not the worst part.  The car was registered to his current girlfriend (which was not, in fact, me) and the police had called her the night before. I woke up to a phone call from The X saying Cheater’s gf had messaged him on Facebook to ask why Cheater and I were in HER car together and what happened.  Believe you me, there was hell to pay.  The X was pissed.  He posted the message to my Facebook page with a snide comment about how I was horrible.  Not to mention, I was in a ton of pain, with my right (dominant) wrist broken and my whole body so badly bruised and cut it was excruciating.

 #mistakenumberfive – Listen to what people are saying.

Maybe not always crazy ex-girlfriends.  But definitely, listen to your friends and family, they know you best and have a view from the outside.

Cheater ended up getting out of jail later the next day. No DUI, it was an ice/snow related accident.  His current girlfriend Facebook messaged me later telling me she had been sleeping with him still for months.  I confronted him as he was at my house by then.  He proceeded to plead the fifth, saying when would he have time to cheat when he was always with me and she lives out of town.  I’m still sort of confused about this honestly.  She messaged saying things were long over with them when he and I started dating.  But I later found out he had in fact spent Thanksgiving and Christmas with her. So maybe just fuck buddies? Regardless, I chose to not believe her and believe him.  So who’s the idiot now?

I should have ended it then.  But I figured what didn’t kill us would make us stronger together and continued to date him for a couple more months.  Insert uncontrollable laughter and judgment here. Months later when my squad found out the cheating and pregnancy situation, I repeatedly heard “Girl! You should have ended it after New Year’s.”  I figured they were all in a group chat mocking my stupidity.  And rightfully so.

[clickToTweet tweet=”When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.  Save yourself the heartbreak. ” quote=”So next time my friends, when people show you who they are, believe them. The first time.  Save yourself the heartbreak. “]

#nevertheexception