One day you’re married, the next divorced.
Well maybe it’s not quite that simple but it feels that way. I just got a letter in the mail. Dissolution was filed. The End. It was incredibly anticlimactic yet a monumental moment in life. I remember feeling so sad and overwhelmed by grief the day I received it. I knew it was coming but holding it in my hand it felt different. From the moment he moved out to the moment I’m currently in, sitting here writing this, I’ve never quite known how to act as a newly single person. I was unsure how to be alone again and the loneliness that first year was gut-wrenching.
It’s weird being alone again after spending most of your time with another person for however long it was. I hate the term “finding yourself” but you do have to re-discover who you are without your former partner to help define you. How do you learn to be alone again after being with someone for so long? Who are you after a divorce? Not single like before you met or married, but now divorced and living with a ghost.
I’m still surprised when people jump into new relationships after divorce or a long-term breakup. I can say that now because I did it and learned from it. Spoiler alert, it didn’t last. It boils down to one main reason that people rush into new relationships. People are afraid to be alone. It’s really scary going from a constant companion and life partner to attending holidays by yourself and laying in bed next to the dog. We get so used to being married that when it ends, we just try to recreate what we lost with someone new as fast as possible so we don’t have to be alone.
But guess what? When you do finally learn how to be comfortable being alone, it’s an amazing and empowering experience. You are given a beautiful gift of independence, self-confidence, peace, and a general comfort in your own skin.
Here is my story, plus some of my favorite tips on how to embrace your independence and to help you learn why it’s totally okay to be alone.
Embrace your space.
If you can, move to a new place! It helps to leave the memories and start fresh in a place all your own. But if you can’t, like me, embrace your space. Get a new bed. Non-negotiable. I slept in the spare room for weeks. I just couldn’t bring myself to move back into our bedroom without him. Finally, I sold that shitty bed I slept on for a month during the separation and after, got rid of all that negative energy, bought a new bed and all new bedding, then moved back into our room. But it wasn’t ours anymore. Now it was mine.
I repainted the house the day after he moved out. I had to. As I took down the wedding photos I knew I had to do something and since lighting it on fire was not an option, painting the interior a new color was the next best thing. I convinced myself I was just taking the photos down to paint and blocked out the fact that the wedding photos would never go back up. I replaced the pictures with powerful words, sayings, and images that reflected the next phase in life. A phase he just wouldn’t be in.
The X and I had desks next to each other in the office. I left the space empty where his used to be for months. Same with his side of the closet. Part of me always felt like it was just a bad dream and that he would come back eventually. As the months went by, it became more and more apparent this was in fact just how life would be. He was gone and that was that. So I rearranged the office, covered holes where his artwork used to hang, and placed dresses on his side of the closet. Eventually, it wasn’t our space anymore. It was mine. Even if you are starting fresh, do the same! Allow your space to reflect you. Paint it whatever damn color you choose, hang pictures with your friends, embrace the opportunity for new memories. Create a space you love and can retreat to.
Cultivate your passions or start a new hobby.
I’ve talked before about losing your passions and not feeling up for things you used to love. I tried to be me again after he moved out. He moved out October 22, 2016. Right before the holidays. I love to bake, I always have. But I didn’t feel like I could bring myself to bake for the holidays when he wasn’t home. Tradition now seemed meaningless. When Springtime came around the first year after our divorce, the beginning gardener in me who loved to plant flowers and vegetables, stayed dormant, and all those planters sat empty. I couldn’t bring myself to create any beauty around me when life felt like it was falling apart. Love had died, why plant flowers just to die too.
Instead, I threw myself into writing. It was the one thing I could and actually wanted to do. As you know, this blog came out of the journal I kept through our separation and divorce proceedings. I wrote every thought, any time, whether I was happy, sad, emotional, angry, or depressed. I ended up with enough written content to fill the blog for years. I started learning web design. I became intrigued by graphic design, then obsessed with social media marketing. I spent all my spare time researching and learning everything I could fill my brain with about my new passion project. I watched webinars and attended conferences. The more occupied my mind was with something I was so excited about, the less time I had to cry about my ex.
Guess what though? You will get it you back. This year as the dust settled and the fog of grief lifted, I started baking again. I planted flowers in all those empty planters. I cleared the patio and created an outdoor space. I planted the garden and hired someone to get the sprinkler system working again. All the things that I loved to do. All the things that made me me, they came back as I started to reconnect with myself.
Connect with others and stop saying no.
After breaking it off with my rebound and then a failed reconciliation attempt with The X, I went through a phase where I couldn’t be alone. I literally couldn’t stand the sound of my own thoughts. The overwhelming feeling of loneliness in the home we shared together was too much to bear. When I confided in a friend, she told me after her 7-year relationship ended she told herself for one year she wouldn’t say no to people asking her to do things. Not like illegal or weird things, but when they asked her to hang out she’d say yes. So I adopted the same policy and it was awesome. I spent a weekend in Seattle with a great friend from college. I ended up at a Shawn Mendez concert with 100K screaming teens. I ate alligator with friends at a southern restaurant. I said yes to dinners and drinks with industry friends and made some great new contacts. I reconnected with friends and family.
For years I hadn’t had as much time for my friends and family, as I spent most of my time with my ex and he wasn’t a super social person. After he left, I needed those friends and family to remind me of who I was. So I stopped saying no and started saying yes. I spent days by the pool with my sister and nieces, then dinners at their house. I planned vacations with long lost friends. I talked on the phone for hours with girlfriends. I went to the river every weekend. I filled my days with being busy and surrounded by the ones who still loved me for the mess I sometimes am. It worked. I made new friends, met new people, and had experiences I would never have if I just decided to sit in my house and cry. Rebuilding and constructing relationships with family, new, and old friends have truly been one of the largest blessings to come from my divorce.
Stop worrying that you’re going to die alone.
Entertain!!
Exercise.
Learn to be alone again in your home.
This is usually the hardest one to do. Really mastering the art of being alone in your space with your thoughts. Eek!! It took me a really long time and some days I still feel off or restless. Going from marriage to single is a tough adjustment. It doesn’t happen overnight but as time goes on you will start to be okay alone in your own space. I remember when my perspective started to change last fall and I started to want to be alone at home. I was no longer running from my thoughts and I was ready to settle into my new life alone. How do you do it? Take a bath. Enjoy a movie and popcorn. Read a book in bed. Journal. Do any one of the things I said earlier. It gets better. I feel more like myself these days. I found myself again. I learned to be alone again simply by making it through one day without him and then one more. Suddenly a month had passed, then 6 months, then a year. You will get there.
If you can take anything away from all this, it’s this, it just takes time and practice.
#youcandoit
XOXO – J
What have you always wanted to do and haven’t? Make it happen now!!
