It happens.
Eventually, after a breakup, your ex moves on to someone new.
I did the rebound thing, he did the meet someone new and stay with her forever thing. We were working on reconciliation and he chose her over me. So it’s left me with all kinds of questions. Why her not me? Is she just better than me? Does he love her more than me? Are they happy? Does he hate me? Does he think about me or miss me? Will he ever regret his decision or choices? Has he taken any responsibility for the collapse of our relationship? Do they all just sit around and talk shit on me? I know none of it really matters but it all haunts me at 4 am when I can’t fucking sleep. What do you do when your ex moves on with someone new?
I’m processing a lot as I move through the new year. While acceptance becomes reality, I’m still sad. More disappointed I guess. I believe I deserved another chance to work things out with him, especially when I thought that’s what was happening. Instead, he was still dating and looking for someone to replace me. I deserved forgiveness and unconditional love. I now believe neither of those is something he knows how to do. Some people say that there is too much damage, too much water under the bridge. I don’t believe that but I guess it’s true when it’s just not in someone’s nature. Forgiveness has never been in his nature. I believe that it was easier for him to go back to someone new, then to face the hard part of ever working on our relationship. Maybe I was asking too much of him? I always forgave him, regardless of circumstance. I was willing to make it work even after we were legally divorced. I proved my love time and time again fighting for him and our marriage, way past when I should have stopped.
Forgiveness is one of the most difficult aspects of a relationship. Throughout ours I was never forgiven, just punished incessantly for every mistake. I did things wrong, but he did things wrong too. The difference is, I loved him through it. I wanted to work it out in counseling, he walked out. I forgave him without repeated punishment and rehashing. Even in separating, I never stopped loving him. I always wanted to just work it out. Instead, the fighting continued until he pressured me into filing for divorce. I believe now that I can move forward knowing that I said and did everything within my power to save our relationship. But my heart still breaks thinking about hurting him beyond a point of forgiveness. That must mean he didn’t love me unconditionally. As I did some research for this post, I realized that maybe what we had was not unconditional in either direction. Regardless, love lost is painful. And when your ex happily moves on without you, it fucking blows.
I’m not sure that these thoughts or questions ever go away. But I’m going to tell you what I do to combat those demons and their questions in my own mind.
1. First things first, stop checking their social media.
If there is anything I can say to you right now that you will listen to it is this: do not continue to torture yourself by looking at their social media. It is very easy to look happily moved on for 30 seconds while you take a photo and post it on Instagram. I promise. I know. I do it on the regular. No one posts pictures of themselves drinking whiskey alone in sweatpants while eating a gallon of ice cream. I tried once, the picture did not come out good and made me look sadder than I really am. You are not going to see pictures of them arguing, calling their exes to hook up, or generally them engaging in all the douchey behavior that helped cause your breakup to begin with. You will see something that breaks your heart and spirals you into the crazy place. Put the phone down. I’m 6 months social media sober and no longer stalking my ex, his new gf, or any of our mutual friends – see… Miracles happen. I am living proof.
2. Maybe you were mismatched.
As my therapist says, there are a billion people in the world and very few of them is an actual match. When I was still obsessively checking his social media, it broke my heart to see him taking pictures of her and captioning them #thisisus. I still don’t watch that fucking show and the commercials give me hives. Plus, bitch please, you were fucking me behind her back a couple weeks before you were posting this shit so give me a fucking break. Back to my point, they were taking pictures together hiking and doing all the things he loves to do. I didn’t really love that stuff. So maybe we were mismatched. Ultimately, I want him to be happy and maybe she does that for him.
While sometimes I think it’s bullshit that he fell in love and was attracted to who I am, then hated me once actually together, I honestly believe now that I am not a good match for him. I heard in a keynote speech last week that every relationship fails because they step on one of your three core values/beliefs or you step on theirs. I know this to be true. He does not enjoy who I am as a person and what I value in life. I tried to be the perfect wife and partner for him until I literally couldn’t do it anymore. I tried to be exactly what he wanted and needed. I tried and tried. Then I tried some more. We are not a match. I am happy to think that he now gets to find someone who fits him more than me and I now have the freedom to do the same.
3. Be the kind of person that loves unconditionally.
I remind myself that I want to be the kind of woman that loves unconditionally. I want him to be happy. I have prayed every night for over a year that he is happy. I hope he is happy even when that is not with me. I tried for six years to make him happy and I couldn’t. So I hope wherever he is and whomever he is with, that he is happy. I hope he finds peace. I repeat a mantra when I get sad, bitchy, or jealous. I wish him happiness in his life even if he’s not in mine. I will repeat this until it rings true. I want to be someone who knows what it means to love unconditionally. I want a healthy relationship where I do not enable the poor behavior. I want to be the kind of woman that doesn’t hold a grudge, that forgives without apology, and that loves him enough to love him from afar.
4. You don’t know what is actually happening in their relationship and they didn’t miraculously become a better partner overnight.
When I spoke of their relationship in therapy, my therapist said this,
“It is a new relationship. Everything is great in the beginning. Everyone is on their best behavior. This is why he chose to be with her, rather than work on things with you. It is easy and fun. Things are good. No one is asking anyone to do the hard stuff like forgive past faults or work on their individual shortcomings. It is new enough that she just isn’t sick of his shit. Look how long you put up with it before you could not do it any longer.”
We will never know what is actually going on in their relationship. Other than hearsay, social media, or what they tell you, it is impossible to truly know if they are happier together then you were with them. I don’t believe he miraculously became a better partner overnight. But it hurts me that he is trying with her when he wouldn’t try for me. When my ex came back he told me a lot about what their relationship actually was… and then he had sex with me. So I know for a fact that people can pretend they moved on as much as they would like, even when it’s untrue. I’m here to tell you it is just not that easy. So do not believe the fake fairy tale that it didn’t work with you and now it miraculously works with someone else. It may… eventually. But in the beginning, it is absolutely impossible for them to be where you were at with them in your relationship. They have not moved on as easily as you may think.
5. There is a reason you broke up.
I told him once that I believed he would experience the same issues in relationships until he fixed what was going on inside him. I still believe this to be true. He has not dealt with his insecurity, jealousy or anger problems. I have done nothing but look at me since the divorce. I know exactly what I did to contribute. He jumped into a new long-term relationship that I believe will end exactly how we did because he still has not dealt with the core issue. Me on the other hand? I remain fearful to bring past hurts into a new relationship so I remain single until I am certain I will no longer carry these issues into a new marriage or long-term relationship. I believe that relationships will continue to have the same issues and history will continue to repeat itself until dealt with, acknowledged and repaired. This may not always be true. Maybe they are a better match, maybe things that work for her didn’t work for you. But more often then not, people jump into something new way too quick because they are afraid to be alone.
When all else fails, I remind myself that I am still awesome and she will never be me.
Here’s what I know about me:
- I love Jesus and I love people.
- I am unbelievably passionate about life.
- I’m always in high heels.
- I always wear lipstick.
- I love country music and Taylor Swift.
- I’ve got a big reputation.
- I’m crazy sometimes.
- I’m curvy but gorgeous.
- I have trouble controlling the volume of my voice.
- I care too much about stupid shit.
- I talk A LOT.
- I always offer forgiveness.
- I drink too much wine.
- I overshare and have a general problem with discernment.
- I like nachos, and whiskey, and ice cream
- I love football. Go Seahawks!
- I overcommit.
- I love animals.
- I let the dog sleep in the bed, under the covers.
- I suffer from anxiety and sometimes depression.
- I also suffer from insomnia and nightmares.
- I love horror movies. Likely contributing to my nightmares…
- I’m really good at my job and have an award to prove it.
- I’m well known and well liked in the Portland event industry.
- I am a crazy, beautiful, complicated blonde, unique and unlike anyone else in the world.
Here’s what I know about her:
- She’s dating my ex-husband.
- We own the same pair of leggings.
- She’s brunette and kinda has a squirrel face.
- Her birthday is 8/16 making her a Leo and a far worse sign for him to be with than me, the Virgo. He and I actually are a better fit, when it comes to astrology. You don’t have to believe it, but I do.
- I’m better in bed, based on what my ex told me when he came back to reconcile. He left again, but ultimately, I get to live with the knowledge that after 3 months of fucking my man, he came back because “I’m the best he’s ever had.” Note to self, I probably shouldn’t share that. Insert shrug emoji here.
