How Do We End up in Relationships That Don’t Last and How Do You Avoid It?

How do we end up in relationships that don’t fulfill our needs and ultimately don’t last?

I’ve had this post in reserve for quite awhile and as I began to put the finishing touches on it I realized I was talking two different subjects. So I made some edits and decided to give you two posts on two topics in two days.  Why? Because the two thoughts we are going to chat about go hand in hand.  The first being how we end up in relationships that don’t fulfill our needs.  The second being when do you decide that enough is enough in your relationship? We have a lot to cover so let’s get started.  So just do we end up in relationships that don’t fulfill our needs and ultimately don’t last?  Let’s find out.

Life is all about relationships.

We spent most of our lives either looking for or maintaining a relationship.  But as my therapist told me frequently when I couldn’t understand why I just can’t find love again after The X, you will meet a lot of people and very few of them will be an actual match.  As I deal with the daunting fact that after a few dates with a few women he found a new relationship that he’s maintained a year now, I wonder why haven’t I done the same?  I don’t know their relationship so I can’t speak for them.  But I do know he told me he thought she would leave him once during a road rage incident that happened.  So I do know that she’s seen certain pieces of him I had issues with and like most of us early in relationships she has seen the same red flags and kept going.

Red flags do not mean proceed with caution.

Early in a relationship, everyone is on their best behavior.  Or at least they should be.  Everyone is putting their best foot forward, showing their best side.  Girls are waking up early to brush their teeth and put mascara on.  Guys are holding in farts, burps, or other unappealing behaviors.  Everything is great.  But ultimately it’s a facade.  It’s only once you start really get comfortable with people and to really get to know them that things inside your relationship start to change.  So the problem is once we see these behaviors or potential red flags, we lie to ourselves and make excuses.  We pretend anger or rage isn’t that big of a deal.  Maybe we say it was a one-time thing or he was just really angry.  Then rather than to consider this a deal breaker we convince ourselves that these behaviors are tolerable as our relationships progress instead of confronting them a dealing with them early on.

When I shared this situation between The X and his new girlfriend with my therapist, she told me this, “Again, the issue was not his anger or the incident, his issue was her reaction to it.”  She then explained to me that in a new relationship everyone should be on their best behavior.  So a red flag like this, anger and aggression is not something to be overlooked.  Now I can tell you from experience that I’ve seen how that red flag manifests 6 years into a relationship and it’s something I never hope to experience again.  So, my friends, I tell you this.  [click_to_tweet tweet=”Instead of ignoring red flags.  Take them at face value.  That type of behavior, especially early in a relationship is not acceptable.” quote=”Instead of ignoring red flags.  Take them at face value.  That type of behavior, especially early in a relationship is not acceptable.”]

People are telling us who they really are at the beginning of a relationship and we just don’t believe them.

When I think about my marriage failure and relationship red flags, I think about the beginning of our relationship.  We never fought much but there are a few times that come to mind when we had fights, or issues rather, that I overlooked.  We fought on our first trip together to Vegas.  He wanted to walk everywhere and I wanted to lay by the pool and drink.  He doesn’t like expensive things or spending money, I like fancy things and lush life.  I wanted to take a cab so I could wear heels and look cute, he wanted to walk 2 miles to our show.  As I look at our life together and in our past, I loved him so much I wanted to do anything and everything to make him happy.    So even though I noticed some things a bit off, I had had so many failed relationships I wanted one to work.   And it did work, for a while.  I sometimes think I was just pretending to be the perfect girlfriend because I wanted so bad for a relationship to work.  I wanted then and still want a family, marriage, and children.  So early on he showed me who he was and I didn’t believe him.  Or rather I believed I could change him or I could change me leading us to my next point.

I believe that people can change.  In fact, I will be as bold to say I know they can.  I know that I have changed so much since the meeting, marrying, and divorcing The X.  But the core of who I am has never really changed.  Core beliefs and morals may remain the same but people do change over time.  In a relationship, especially a marriage, you should be growing and changing together.  It’s when that isn’t happening that the relationship issues begin to happen. Change is hard though.  It takes effort and commitment.  So thinking that we can change someone is foolish.  We can barely change ourselves.  Think of how hard you work to change yourself after making a commitment to change.  It takes so much work.  It takes years of hard work to make changes to ourselves.  Plus life circumstances change us, work, family dynamics, money, grief, they all change us.

Ultimately, the person I really am and have always been is still the same.  She may be a little jaded, a little more guarded, more emotional, sometimes sadder, but who I am now is who I’ve always been.  The difference is I’ve made a commitment to change and learn from my mistakes so I never contribute in the same ways to a relationship failure as I did before.  I’ve made poor choices I learned from about relationships, work-life balance, family.  I made a huge change by quitting a drug no longer benefiting me but rather hindering my growth.  I spent A LOT of time in therapy.  But the fun, loud, talkative, friendly, motivated, engaging, sassy, woman I am is back.

I think the change was in my relationship with him, I wanted to be perfect because I never felt good enough for him.  Now I know that sometimes when people hate themselves enough they start to take it out on you.  So now that I no longer feel stressed or overwhelmed by my inability to please him.  I am experiencing a freedom to just be who I really am.  And honestly, someone who is really a match for you won’t be threatened by that.

We don’t know ourselves enough.

Prior to my marriage and divorce, I didn’t know much about relationships.  I had had my fair share, but I never really knew what I really wanted or needed forever.  What I knew was that after failing so many times I WANTED a relationship and marriage.  Maybe I wanted it bad enough to force a relationship that didn’t quite work.  I remember thinking that if I had known my husband would be the last relationship of my life I would have enjoyed the more alone time.  I would have enjoyed being single and living a single life.  I wouldn’t have been so, dare I say, desperate…  Not to say that I didn’t love him.  I did very much so.  I still love him and parts of me may always love him.  But here is another truth about relationships. [click_to_tweet tweet=”Sometimes you can love someone so much and it still just doesn’t work.” quote=”Sometimes you can love someone so much and it still just doesn’t work.”]

So in entering into a new relationship, my forever relationship (or so I thought), I didn’t really know myself.  I definitely didn’t know what I wanted or needed for forever.  I was still figuring all that shit out.  I didn’t really know what my real deal breakers were or what behaviors were intolerable to me long term.  I hadn’t quite figured out my career and was spinning in my job at the time.  Instead, I was excited and swept away by a new relationship.  He was great, so funny, sweet, and safe.  I loved spending time with him.  I wanted all the things.  Everything was going so well.  We were in our honeymoon phase when everyone is on their best behavior.  I would make him dinner every night in joy at 10 pm when he got off work even though I worked a morning job, I drove him to work at 5 am Saturdays because he didn’t have a car, I would pack his lunches for work leaving cute notes in his lunch box.  I hung his artwork around the house because I loved it.  The reality is that some behavior in relationships is not sustainable.

He says I changed and I did.  Like previously mentioned people do change from the honeymoon period when we first moved in together to 6 years later when we owned a home, had stressful jobs, family obligations, and bills to pay.  So as we solidified our relationship in marriage I started to look at what was next.  How would I fulfill myself for the next 50 years too?  I wanted to build a business, finally get healthy, plant a garden and do home improvement projects, write the blog I’d always wanted.  So I started to focus more on me and less on him.  That sounds terrible and it’s actually only half true.  I focused so much on him the last few years of our courtship that I thought I could finally start to do some of those things I’d wanted and I ultimately had our family and future in mind.  Up until then, everything had really been all about him, we pursued his passions, hung out with his friends and pursued his hobbies.  I still continued to make dinner every night until he physically moved out and continued to do anything and everything I could think of to make him happy.  But I knew I needed to make me happy too.  That’s where the problems started.

So here’s the takeaway.

What’s my advice?

Your threshold before marriage needs to be smaller.  You don’t have to settle just because you want a relationship.  [click_to_tweet tweet=”Red flags you ignore will be reasons you want to leave later.  ” quote=”Red flags you ignore will be reasons you want to leave later.  “]During that honeymoon period, I overlooked small things that eventually became big things.  I didn’t really know what I was willing to accept forever and what I wasn’t because I just wanted a relationship, even if it wasn’t quite right.  Ask yourself Can you tolerate this and love the quirk or behavior for 20 years?  Or 30 years? What are your non-negotiable deal breakers? Does this relationship give you permission to grow and change together or is it one-sided?