What are you REALLY feeling?
Friends, let’s real talk for a minute. A lot of my life the past year I have spent angry. Angry at the men in my life for letting me down, angry at myself for allowing shitty behavior to happen as long as it did, angry at God for allowing people I love to hurt me. I was just angry about everything, truth be told, sometimes I still am. I’ve come to know a lot about the grief cycle as I dealt with the loss of my marriage So I’m aware that anger is part of the grief cycle and it’s natural. But as my therapist says, anger is a secondary emotion. We, as humans, have the tendency to resort to anger to protect ourselves from vulnerable emotions. Emotions like fear, rejection, humiliation, or frustration. So when we talk about my anger, she encourages me to face what I am actually feeling. The trouble is figuring out and facing what that anger is really hiding.
Fear.
Face your fears. For me, what’s hiding under that anger is fear. Fear of the future. I’m afraid that I will never find love again and will die alone. I know it may be irrational but that’s how I feel. I feel afraid that now I may never have children. Sometimes I worry about paying the bills for the month, I live in fear of losing the life I’ve built. Fear is real. And it’s powerful. The only thing stronger then fear is hope. As I have started to move into the acceptance phase of this horrific grief cycle I find that once I name those fears and face them, it’s not so daunting. I am paying the bills and I have for a year on my own and no one can take away my hope for a better future. Staying hopeful and forward focused helps me to put those irrational fears to rest.
Failure. Rejection. Jealousy.
Fear isn’t the only thing I’m feeling. I feel like failure. I tried so hard to do my best at marriage but all I feel is failure. Then I tried to be with someone again who hurt me by cheating and left me for, let’s face it here, a less awesome version of me. I felt like I was given another chance to work it out with The X (twice) and instead he left me again for yet another less awesome version of me. But she’s brunette so that’s not entirely fair. I failed again and now I’m feeling rejected. Sometimes I feel jealous. Several months back, I showed my sister a picture of Fiona and she said, “She looks just like you”…. I spoke in a voice that sounded a lot like the spirit of Satan channeled into words that came from a place deep in my soul, “NEVER SAY THAT AGAIN.”
Hurt & Humiliated.
I feel hurt and humiliated. I am embarrassed that I fell for cheating, lies, and promises that I never should have believed. And I did so repeatedly. I’m embarrased of my behavior the past few months as I acted like a less awesome version of myself. I screamed, cried, threatened, threw things, drunk dialed, acted out, and worse things I can’t even remember because I thinked I blocked some of the worst out. **Side note, I have the tendecy to delete messages I’ve sent in drunkenness, rage, and other vulnerable states so I don’t have to reread and relive them later. Since starting this blog, in an effort to be completley transparent with you through the process, I’ve tried saving them to show you the actual images. That said, at some levels of crazy, there is no stopping the denial and I erase them.
Crazy?
I’m embarrased that these douchers probably use my crazy, shitty, psychotic behavior to prove their points, gain sympathy, justify their decisions, pick up on new targets, etc. I’m embarrased to think about what mutual friends may have heard or know about my behavior the past year. Part of starting this journey to share my truth was to expose that nuttiness so next time you act out, maybe you wont feel so bad about it. Because I tell ya, grief changes you. The good news is, even the crazy passes. I still have moments when I want to go bat shit, learning not to ultimately makes me feel better the next day. Plus the definition of insanity is repeating the same behavior over and over and expecting a different result. So live through my crazy and don’t act out your own. It doesn’t help and it makes you feel like an asshole when you come back out of the crazy place.
Frustration.
I am frustrated things didn’t work out how I wanted and that everything I’ve tried to fix them hasn’t worked. And I have LEGIT tried everything. Truth is, you can’t make someone love you. Or want you. Or not cheat on you. Also truth, it’s NOT about you. Their behavior is not about you. Who they are and what happened does not define you. Reacting to someone’s shitty behavior does not mean that’s who you always are. In fact it’s pretty normal to have a bad reaction to being treated so poorly by people you love. Don’t get me wrong… being a crazy person is not the best way to handle things. Trust me, I’ve tried that. But when taking the high road just isn’t an option, give yourself a little grace. You aren’t crazy. And you aren’t a bad person. Like me, I’m sure you are doing the best you can at the moment to make like Beyonce and create lemonade from the lemons life is throwing at you right now.
So let’s try something different because nothing else has worked. Face your real feelings. Leave the anger behind. Stop the crazy behavior. Tell yourself you got this. Handle your emotion. And keep moving on. I promise it’s time. You deserve it. So let it go.
#handleit
We got this.
XOXO – J
I’d love to hear what you are struggling with? What is hiding under your anger?
