Fear defined.
Fear is defined as an unpleasant emotion caused by the belief that someone or something is dangerous, likely to cause pain or a threat. Divorce is all of the above, filled with fear. Divorce is like realizing every dream and wish you had for your future has been canceled. Then while you are watching your life fall apart you are tossed into a pit where you future is suddenly full of the great unknown, just one big hole filled with pitch black and fear so loud you can physically hear it. Divorce is dangerous. We fear the unknown because it may be likely to cause pain. The whole process threatens everything you have to know to be true in your life. Above all else though, divorce teaches you to be fearless and find the strength you need to keep surviving.
A year in the life.
Life the last year has been a whirlwind, roller coaster ride of emotion. There were a lot of things that I thought I couldn’t do. I never thought I would ever get the courage to leave my marriage. I didn’t think I was strong enough to survive the grief of divorce. I was sure I would never be able to keep the house or pay the bills without my (now ex) husband’s income. I wasn’t sure I would ever fall in love or even date again. I thought for sure I would die from a broken heart. Here’s the thing though. I didn’t. I found the strength I needed and learned to survive. I became fearless.
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Journey to the Complicated Blonde
As you may know, if you’ve read a little about me and about The Complicated Blonde,
I started this journey of transparency to share the heartbreaking journey that comes with any type of grief. The grief in this situation being my divorce and my first relationship outside of my marriage ending in the worst way imaginable. A heartbreaking divorce, followed by another relationship that ended in me finding out he cheated on me with 4 women I know about and impregnated one. Talk about grief on top of grief on top of shit. Life handed me lemons and I could sell enough lemonade these days to hydrate half the country.
[click_to_tweet tweet=”I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White” quote=”I believe that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade… And try to find somebody whose life has given them vodka, and have a party. Ron White”]
You know what else though? I was angry. I wanted to put these fools that hurt me on blast. I wanted to share their shitty behavior with the world and maybe gain a little validation from the world about who/what I’ve been the last year. So I journaled for me. I wrote down the crazy thoughts in my head and tried to capture the heartbreaking emotions I was feeling. I decided to turn my pain into healing and to help anyone else out there in the same place. I wanted to comfort you with tales of my slippery slope to the insane asylum.
So I wrote. And wrote. Then wrote some more. I planned. I am an event planner for fuck’s sake, I literally love to plan. Sometimes I plan so much I don’t get any actual work done… So I planned this blog. I researched for months. Poured the anxiety of being at home, the loneliness, the anger, into my work here. Not to mention, I’ve had a blog idea rolling around in my head for years. So I have literally years of planning this blog under my belt before I actually started sharing it.
Fear takes over.
But then, I got scared. Scared to share because people I know may actually read it. Let alone, you know, THE WORLD. The world reading my thoughts scares me a lot less than the people I know. Weird huh? As I move into the acceptance phase though, I realize the work I’ve been doing the last year to be strong and face those fears has made me feel less afraid. I feel empowered. I took the control back, faced those fears causing all that anger, and I don’t feel so scared anymore. Well… it comes and goes at least, rather than constant fear. 😉 But I don’t feel so chaotic at least. I’m settling into a place of peace.
One step closer to fearless.
I decided to stop worrying so much about what everyone else is thinking or stop worrying about what they are thinking about me specifically. I realized that if I just kept writing and planning but never shared it with anyone then I was still letting those vulnerable emotions control the whole and I didn’t want to do that anymore. I wanted to be an inspiration instead. I didn’t want to just pretend, I wanted to actually be fearless.
So just last month, I stopped planning and decided to start sharing. Well, that’s not entirely true, there is a shit ton of planning that goes into blogging. But I stopped keeping it to myself and took The Complicated Blonde into the world. I started sharing my selfies and my words with the world. And you know what? As the comments started to come in on my first posts and images, I didn’t feel afraid anymore. Women began connecting with me about their own experiences. Support came pouring in from women in my same position. I began to feel that validation I had wanted. I felt empowered. I was fearless and it paid off.
Not quite 30 days later, I almost have 200 followers joining me as I share my story, collectively with all my profiles over 1,000. That fear is no longer present. Hope has taken over. Pride has replaced embarrassment and shame. I feel encouraged to share more in the hopes that my goal of helping other women conquer their own grief, fear, anger, and temporary crazy. I’m ready to share with the world and even sorta ready to share with the people closest to me. So, friends, I leave you with this final thought. The fear is always bigger in your head. Find what motivates you. Believe in yourself. You will survive. And above all else, be fearless.
#nofear
XOXO – J
Tell me what scares you. How are you learning to be fearless in your own life?
