The backslide. Drunk Dial Disaster.
Friends, I had a bit of a backslide. I had one too many Manhattans on Saturday night and proceeded to send The X a bunch of bitchy texts about his new girlfriend and threatened to shut his phone off…
A couple points to note here. Yes, he continues to remain on a family phone plan with my mom, sister, and me. Also, you can’t block someone who’s on your phone plan. So that’s sort of his fault.
Still, I wish I hadn’t texted him. I was out with friends, having fun. But upon filling my friends in on the cheater situation, I found it was a slippery slope to drunkenness and texting mean thoughts better left in my head. I may or may not have used the phrase fat faced whore. Def not my finest moment. I also blame the fact that I hadn’t eaten. Unless you count the cherries in my Manhattans.
The X has been still following me on Instagram. I don’t follow him. I could remove him from my followers but some weird part of me likes that he still looks at what I am doing… and how pretty I still am. 🙂 Recently he defriended me on Facebook so he could post pics with this new girl and “not hurt me” by seeing them. However, with 52 friends in common, that didn’t work out. I still saw it and it still sucked after all this time. Plus she’s cute. I am just an asshole sometimes. Honestly, no one wants to see their ex moving on with someone else, especially when we were seeing each other again and, from what I thought, working toward reconciliation.
I was careful of his feelings the whole time I dated the cheater. I didn’t post anything of us or my new dating life. I didn’t take down all the photos of The X and I together. I didn’t want to hurt him or erase our past together. The X however took all our photos together down immediately. Also, he would ask once a week if I had blocked him because he wasn’t seeing posts. I hadn’t. Then the minute he got a new girlfriend, all bets were off. Rude.
I guess since we are divorced now it really is unfair to be mad about him posting with someone else. But I am. It may be irrational. But I’m not always rational lately. Sometimes I am incredibly in control of my emotions and my crazy, sometimes the Manhattans cloud my mind and I become a legit nutbag. Next time I get this way, someone please take my phone away and save me from myself.
Part of me still lives in denial. Denial that maybe we could put this whole nightmare behind us and be together again. Feel free to pass judgment now. I know that’s not happening. We won’t be together again, and he has every right to post with whomever he pleases. I guess it still hurts though because seeing someone with your ex is never easy.
A friend today asked what I hoped to get from contacting him. I still don’t know. Maybe I miss him. Maybe I don’t, but I know I miss the idea of what it was supposed to be. I miss my friend and companion. I want someone to do life with. It hurts to feel like I made so many mistakes and I just want a do-over. Again, I know it’s irrational. My girlfriend said there is too much water under the bridge. She is right. I know that. I guess my heart just can’t seem to catch up with my head or vice versa.
I also don’t want to start over. Dating sucks. I don’t want to do it all again. I put my heart out there again and got cheated on. Plus, I feel like I could do it differently. Marriage. Knowing what I know now and feeling what I have about all this dating drama. But maybe he and I are just different people, not right for each other. He needs someone other than me and I guess I need someone other than him. That’s why we are divorced.
I’m still struggling with a lot of anger. Anger that I feel as though I took all the blame for our failed relationship. I feel like caused all the problems, with my work life, and a close work relationship with a guy that I will tell you more about later. My therapist used the words, emotional affair. Those words sound harsh but probably accurate. I shouldn’t have done that to him. I shouldn’t have continued a relationship that threatened and possibly ended my marriage. The reality is, I hurt The X and maybe I don’t deserve him back.
Sometimes I honestly just believe that I deserve exactly what I got. A ruined marriage then being cheated on my first time trying again. A relationship doesn’t end just because of one thing though, there are a lot of reasons relationships end. Ultimately a marriage takes two people working equally on it. So, I guess should stop beating myself up and maybe someday I will.
I’m also incredibly angry with the cheater. My therapist said he does deserve my anger, so at least that is justified I feel like I could have made a different choice maybe if he wasn’t lying to me. Maybe I could have tried to reconcile or fix things within my marriage sooner. Before it was too late, and the X wouldn’t forgive me for this “relationship”.
I know I need to move on. I need to let it go. Let both of those men go so I can heal and move forward. But I think part of me just really doesn’t want to yet. Or something more profound.
So, let’s all learn from my mistakes about the drunk texts. The drunk calls. Basically, any inappropriate behavior while drunk. Don’t make poor communication decisions when drunk. I promise, I have thought about it or done it all. It will make you feel worse about life. And it’s embarrassing. You will only hurt yourself trying to hurt him.
Do yourselves a favor. Don’t call him. I know you want to. I know I want to too. Well, I don’t want to call your boyfriend that would be fucked up like we’ve talked about. 😉 Also put the whiskey down. Message me instead. Tell me what you want to (or must) say. I will always respond and always find a way to talk you out if it.
#dontcallhim
Thank me later.
-XOXO
J
Tell me about your worst drunk dial, or drunk text, or drunk email. Tell me anything to make me feel better for being a crazy person.
