Ah, breakups. One minute, you’re living your best life, and the next, you’re sprawled out on the couch eating an entire wheel of brie, rewatching Bridgerton, and wondering if you’ll ever feel a man’s touch again (besides the one in your dreams who suspiciously looks like your ex—but hotter and with better decision-making skills).
And then, it happens. You decide you’re back on the market, baby! 🎉 Or, at the very least, you drunkenly download Tinder, have a mild existential crisis, and decide to “just browse” for the next four hours.
We all heal at our own pace, whether that’s six months of therapy or six tequila shots and a bad decision named Chad. Some say moving on takes half the time of the relationship, others say 10,000 drinks, four rebounds, two one-night stands, and 107 drunk texts left on read.
Or maybe that’s just me? 🤷🏼♀️
Anyway, after my breakup, I launched myself back into dating like a newborn deer—awkward, unprepared, and constantly in danger of running into traffic. I tried it all: the one-night stands, the rebounds, the Gym Rats, and, of course, the toxic cycle of texting an ex because “maybe this time he won’t be a complete dumpster fire?” (Spoiler: he was).
So, because dating is a full-contact sport, let’s talk about the eight types of men every woman encounters post-breakup.
1. The Gym Rat
Meet Zac—previously known as The Romanian. This man was hot. Like, I’d-make-bad-choices-just-to-be-seen-in-public-with-him hot. He had abs so sharp they could cut glass and an accent that made me temporarily forget all his red flags (which, in hindsight, were bigger than my last credit card bill).
First date? Fire. Second date? Even better because I finally got the Instagram photos I needed to make my ex suffer. (Yes, I’m petty. Yes, I regret nothing.)
But then? Poof. Gone. Vanished for 30 days like he was on a secret mission for the CIA. And when he did return, it was with some recycled bullshit like, “Hey, stranger.” Boy, I am not a stranger, I am a goddess, and you are no longer welcome in my kingdom. 👑 Bye.
2. The One-Night Stand
Oh, Colin. Sweet, temporary Colin.
I don’t usually do one-night stands (okay, not often), but I went into this knowing exactly what it was. No expectations, no emotions—just a beautiful man helping me forget that my ex was off raw-dogging someone new.
We met. We vibed. We did the thing.
And then? He put on a horror movie in bed. Swoon. (If a man puts on Scream instead of The Notebook, he’s a keeper… except he wasn’t, because I never saw him again.)
And you know what? Zero regrets. Every woman needs a Colin-phase—just use protection and try not to cry when he disappears into the night like Batman. 🦇
3. The Catfish
Ah, Nic. The man whose profile pictures were apparently taken seven years and fifty pounds ago. And no I’m not fat shaming, boy was WAY TOO SKINNY. Listen, I’m all for body positivity, but if your profile pic is from when Obama was in office and you looked like Chris Hemsworth, but in real life, you look like Danny DeVito, we have a problem.
If you wouldn’t recognize yourself in a lineup, you’re a catfish, babe.
4. The Ghost
Ohhh, Nate. That one guy who acted mad interested, but when it came time to actually commit to a second date, he pulled a Houdini.
We messaged for weeks. We finally met up. We had a great time. And then? I woke up the next morning and that man had unmatched me so fast, I thought I hallucinated the entire experience.
Like, sir. If you weren’t interested, just say that instead of making me spiral into a self-doubt monologue worthy of a bad rom-com. Men like you deserve to stub your toe every morning for eternity.
5. The Fuckboy
Josh. That’s it. That’s the whole explanation.
We all know a Josh. We all hate a Josh.
Josh is that guy who acts like he wants something real, gets you all invested, and then ghosts right after sex like he just got hit by a Men in Black memory eraser.
Josh is why I have trust issues and need three friends to approve every man I talk to.
I won’t waste more words on Josh. Fuck Josh.
6. The Stage 5 Clinger
Ohhh, JR. Or maybe it was Jeramiah? (Honestly, I stopped learning their names after a while.)
This is the guy who, after two dates, suddenly acts like you’re his wife. He deletes his dating apps, texts you good morning AND goodnight, and starts sending you memes about “our future kids” like bro, we haven’t even held hands yet.
Sir. Back the fuck up. You are not my emergency contact.
7. The Ex
Literally all of them.
Like clockwork, they always come back.
I don’t know what it is, but the moment you even think about moving on, suddenly your ex remembers your existence.
“Oh hey, stranger.”
BOY, I WILL SET YOU ON FIRE.
Exes have a sixth sense for when you’re finally healing, and they come crawling back every single time. Do yourself a favor: Block. Delete. Exorcise them if necessary.
8. The “I Swear I Want Commitment” Guy… Until He Doesn’t
This guy tells you he’s so ready for something real, spends months convincing you he’s different, makes you feel safe—and then somehow panics at the idea of a relationship and vanishes.
Oh, you liked him? Too bad, he just remembered he has commitment issues and a soul-sucking ex from three years ago that he’s still in love with.
Men are exhausting. Cats and wine, it is.
Final Thoughts on This Shit Show We Call Dating
I love commitment.
Did that sound convincing? No? Cool, because I think dating post-breakup has officially broken me.
I want the love story. I want the romance. But after two relationships, a divorce, and a near-death experience with a fuck boy, I’m terrified to let someone fuck up my peace again.
So for now? I’ll keep swiping, keep dating, and keep collecting these hilarious horror stories for all of you.
Your turn! Tell me—what’s the worst dating persona you’ve ever encountered?
XOXO,
JJ
#DoneDating #SingleAF #SomeoneSignMeUpForCats
**This post is from the vault and was previously written in 2018, it was reedited and formatted in 2025. I found my forever and I’m happily engaged planning a wedding in 2026. You will find them. I promise.
