When is enough enough? How long do you stay in your relationship when it’s not working?

What is the right answer to this question? This is a thought that everyone has in any relationship going through a rough patch for any amount of time. I still struggle with it myself and my divorce was finalized over a year ago. Did I try hard enough? Did I fight hard enough for long enough? There is always an element of regret following the end of a relationship. I would like to point out that there is a huge difference in giving up and deciding that you’ve had enough. But how do you know when enough is enough?

Looking back we also have the tendency to idealize the past and our past partners, putting them on a pedestal and holding the relationship in high esteem even if that’s not reality. Issues like abuse, addiction, infidelity, lying, incessant fighting are all huge issues in a relationship. If not dealt with appropriately in a healthy manner they can manifest into the building blocks for divorce.

So at some point, if change is not happening it’s time to consider when you have to end the relationship in order to keep yourself safe and happy. So what are the reasons that we stay in unhealthy relationships longer than we should? When do you decide that your relationship is no longer sustainable and you have to leave? For everyone, it’s a little different, but let’s explore it a little further so next time you find yourself in this situation you can make a further educated decision and maybe save your relationship from failure or make a courageous choice to say this isn’t healthy or working its time to go.

Your threshold before marriage needs to be smaller. You don’t have to settle.

Before you are married is the time to be selective!! It is much easier to make a change before marriage. Don’t make excuses for them and don’t allow behavior early in a relationship that you wouldn’t tolerate in a marriage. We teach people how to treat us. Self-esteem determines the type of partner we attract. If we allow poor behavior at the beginning of a relationship it is likely to continue. A question I ask myself in this situation now is, can I handle/tolerate this behavior for the next 30 years? If the answer is no. Enough is enough.

Your threshold before marriage needs to be smaller. You don't have to settle. Before you are married is the time to be selective!!

Where are the patterns? What do their actions show us? Are they capable of real change?

Communication is key in relationships. Make a commitment to address issues as they arise. Holding in frustration and anger rather than communicating is just doing more damage in the long run. When issues arise, as they will, discuss it openly and honestly with your partner. If he is not willing to make any changes, when you have been honest about your feelings, this is when you have to start to think about making a change. Patterns never lie. So if someone continually says they will change, get help, do better, and then they don’t, take them at their actions, not their words. When words and actions don’t match believe actions. Believe actions, not just words and false promises. Unfortunately just because someone has good intentions doesn’t necessarily mean they will actually change.

Consider the factors.

As discussed in another post, there are some common occurrences in relationships that predispose a marriage to divorce. The fact is that if there are serious issues in your relationship that are not being addressed appropriately, your relationship may be unhealthy. Issues like abuse, lying, infidelity, anger, and constant fighting are unhealthy. If therapy worth issues are not discussed and dealt with, or no change is happening, this is a sign that it’s time to make a change. When you commit your life to someone and you wonder if you can maintain this marriage, it’s time for action. You are in a place you can’t maintain long-term, you have to take steps to protect yourself.

General, repeated disrespect.

It started small with The X and I brushed it off. He would say, you know who I am, you married me, so what are you going to do about it? He would subtly put me down or treat me like I was stupid. It was like he felt he was better than me; that he was perfect, that he knows how to do everything better than me. He criticized everything I did like nothing was ever good enough. It was incessant. I started to feel like genuinely didn’t care if I was tired, sick, occupied. He just added to my stress rather than helping me or picking up the slack. Whenever I tried to address it I was “being too sensitive”.

It’s an unhappy life and an unhealthy relationship when your partner criticizes everything, like the way you dress, where you work, what you think, and no matter how hard to try, nothing you do seems to satisfy them. If your concerns are not being heard and changes are not being made. You have to love yourself enough to say, “I won’t be treated this way.” You are good enough exactly how you are. No one deserves to feel like they are constantly under attack by their closest relationship.

There is a difference between giving up and knowing you’ve had enough.

Sometimes staying is worse than leaving. If a relationship is healthy or unsafe than it is always okay to say no. In fact, it’s incredibly courageous and brave to say no, this is not acceptable and I will no longer stand for it. Bottom line is that when you leave, you make a choice. It’s not an easy choice but sometimes it has to be made. Sometimes it is not always possible to resolve conflict and a divorce or breaking up is sometimes just healthier for everyone involved. Enough is enough. Always remember…be true to yourself!