It is important to understand that what you are going through after a divorce is in fact grief. There is a loss and a trauma involved that is sometimes difficult to understand. But the truth is that divorce is second to only one life trauma and that is the actual death of a family member. It’s hard sometimes when we rely on friends and family to hear our story and validate our feelings, but sometimes the ones who love us the most may just not truly understand. They may not see it as grief. As I fought my way through my grief, I would say I lost my husband. Until my mom said I lost nothing, he didn’t die, we got divorced. So is it better to say my marriage failed or I lost my husband, through a divorce, not death? While some may not understand why you feel the way you do, I want to say to you that what you are experiencing is a loss and a trauma and the true, accurate reaction to that is grief.
I’ve talked a lot about grief over the last two years. I know grief, I lived with that bitch for going on two years. I didn’t know who she was or how long she might be visiting. But then she unpacked and made herself at home. I wrote a post about a year ago and recently I revisited it to rewrite it or update it, then decided I loved it too much to change it. The message was true then and it’s true now. Your grief – your terms. Now that I’ve moved further along in the process though I wanted to revisit and re-explore the original message regarding the grief process.
Grief has no rules.
There are a lot of articles on grief and a lot of talk about the 5 stages of grief. I believe that to be true as I’ve experienced all of them, but I also believe that grief doesn’t always follow this formula. You may experience all of them or skip one entirely. Everyone’s process is different because everyone experiences life differently. What works for one may not work for another. Someone’s process may be short, while yours may seem never to end. The experience of grief is a personal journey. Don’t get discouraged by others and try not to compare. Whatever you are feeling or experiencing is not wrong. There is no true formula and there are no rules for grief.
Grief is a pendulum.
The stages of grief don’t always happen in a perfectly straight line. Grief sometimes just swings you back and forth from one stage to another without reason. You may easily move from anger to acceptance, to depression, and back again. I felt frustrated sometimes that I would think I was in fact at a specific stage, I was now here which meant acceptance was right there, it was next I had almost achieved it. Then I was suddenly swung back to denial and starting all over. It wasn’t until I realized that those stages are very true, however, they do not follow a roadmap. The so-called stages of grief may not seem “normal” and that in fact is normal. What I found that helped was to recognize where I was and what “phase” I was in rather than stage I may be in at the moment. I repeatedly went back and forth and back and fort
h. That is normal. It is a pendulum that you will ride for a while. Eventually, you will get off the ride at acceptance and stay there.
Grief is a chameleon.
We’ve talked stages and phases but sometimes you may not realize a particular emotion as grief. Grief can come in any form, shape, color, or emotion. Sometimes you may not realize that what you are experiencing is in fact grief. My grief hides frequently in anger. But as we’ve learned, anger is a secondary emotion. We use other emotions at times to mask our true feelings. Sometimes not even intentionally. I returned to anger many times throughout my process because anger is something I’m comfortable with, vulnerability and sadness is not. Our brain sometimes needs to utilize other emotions and feelings, .i.e denial and anger, because it helps us cope. Our mind knows how to protect itself. If you are feeling an emotion you can’t shake, take a look deeper, it may, in fact, be grief in disguise. While sometimes uncomfortable, you have to feel to heal. So exploring the true emotion underneath will help you in the long run.
It comes in waves sometimes. You feel fine, then out of nowhere, it may seem you are hit with a wave of grief. That wave can come as anything, sadness, anger, denial. During this time you may learn to identify and anticipate triggers. Here is the only thing you need to know about grief waves, just like the tide, they recede. The wave of emotion will end. I promise. Sometimes they are frequent and long-lasting, but as time passes they will become less frequent and not as strong. I learned to recognize the waves. I would feel it and know what was happening. The only way to heal it is to feel it. It fucking hurts sometimes. I promise I know. But you have to just ride it out. Take precautions to keep yourself safe. Meaning maybe no alcohol when you’re vulnerable. Or visit/call a friend if you are feeling low or lonely. When it’s unavoidable (like it sometimes is) get in bed and place a heating pad on your chest. The heat will help your broken heart. Seriously the number one way I combat grief waves. And it’s therapist approved.
Grief knows no timeline.
I still can’t understand why I’ve taken so long to heal. Why can some people move on so quickly and some people cant? The answer is this, there is no timeline for acceptable grief. Your grief may last for years or your grief may end sooner. There is no acceptable timeline. It is different for everyone. Time is not relative. Some people block things out so they can move on. Some people mask pain and cover it with new relationships. And other people like me choose to jump right into their grief in an effort to experience. It is totally acceptable to take longer to heal from trauma or divorce. However long it may take you does not matter. You are allowed to be sad. Something significant happened and it changed your life. If you are having trouble moving forward or experiencing in significant depression, consult a therapist or a doctor. I have both and I don’t mind. You do not have to suffer in silence.
You have to feel to heal.
I’ve said this a few times already but it is such an important thought that it deserves its own heading. I believe that you feel your feelings in order to heal them. So while I swung on that pendulum, I would recognize, I’m in denial, or I’m feeling so angry. I challenged myself to understand the emotion and why, and then encouraged myself to accept it and feel it. I’m angry because he moved on so fucking quick and didn’t fucking fight for me once. (An actual thought I have even now so I not even a reach for me 😉 ) Why do I feel this way? I actually feel rejected. I feel let down that he wouldn’t work on our marriage. I am sad because he chose someone else over me. I’m pissed off because I feel like I’m easily replaceable. Then I would say to myself, okay J, all of that is okay, it’s fair and it blows.
So feel it, be angry and sad and disappointed, but just keep yourself safe. Safe is a concept my therapist and I use a lot. But it means more than the general connotation. Next time you feel this way, ask yourself, what do I need to keep myself safe? I’m pissed and want a glass of wine. Okay, put the keys away, grab a glass of wine, and turn on a funny movie. I am so mad I”m going to text/call/email him (that’s what I do 😞 ). Okay, call a friend instead. Take a bath or paint your nails. Something you can’t use a phone and do. I have to tell him exactly what he’s done wrong (though I promise, I have sent every drunk thought you can possibly imagine…). Read my blog 😉 That’s how it all started. I decided to write it out and share with you instead of calling/texting/email him one more time to just be ignored.
What do you need to keep your heart, mind, and body safe? Do it now.
That feeling will pass. I promise you. I have laid on the floor in the kitchen listening to sad country music for hours thinking I may die. I’ve cried and cried and cried. Allow yourself the freedom to feel that emotion so you can then allow it to pass. It will pass that I promise you. It’s a season of life.
Grief may isolate you but you are never alone.
It wasn’t until I finally accept the fact that I was coming out of a broken marriage that I began to find the strength in those around me doing the same. When I started on my journey last year I had no idea how to articulate what was actually happening and what I was actually feeling. As I started to share and to reach out for the support it was then that I truly understood I was not alone. Seek out people in the same exact place as you. You will need that support. If you are reading this you are in the right place, I respond to every single person. Some of the friends I made over the last year know more about my soul and my grief than my own family.
As much as people want to understand, grief is sometimes beyond understanding. You may do things you never thought you d do. You may act out. You may be inconsolable. All of this is okay. You have been forever changed by this experience and there is absolutely no reason that you should ever downplay your experience or feel guilty because of it. One of the hardest things for me to convey to friends and family was that I was no longer the same, parts of me were, but I was also forever changed by my marriage and inevitably by my divorce. Who I was before was now irrelevant.
Grief is maintainable.
And even beatable!!!!! You will heal!!!!!
I have survived the grief of divorce. I’m not just saying “I know how you feel”. I know how you feel. I FEEL how you feel.
That is why I am 100% confident in sharing with you the light at the end of that tunnel. I spent two very long years living with grief. (view more here). I thought at times I would never make it out alive. I believed that I may, in fact, die from a broken heart and sometimes I’m surprised I haven’t. That pain is so real. It’s so hard and there is no way to explain it in a way that people not experiencing it will ever understand. Find what comforts you. For me, it was quotes on Pinterest some nights, videos about relationships, writing, heating pad nights, my heartbreak playlist. Some nights were so bad, but as I write this about two years later, I don’t want to cry. I don’t think about him every day. Dare I say, I have moved on. I loved him, I wanted it to work, it didn’t. So I spent the time I needed to heal and now I’m ready to move on. It will happen. Time heals everything.
The last and most important point that I have is that this is an incredibly personal experience. It is YOUR grief and you can feel it on YOUR terms. You can process it on YOUR terms. No one has the right or gets to tell you what to do or how to feel. Grief is an unimaginable human, personal experience that affects every single person differently. So even while I try to explain to you my truths, I try to share it in the most honest way possible. It is personal. You may follow the stages, you may never swing back and forth, you may skip stages, you may experience so much hope and comfort through friends and family. So I guess what I have tried to convey to you is that everything you experience now through your grief process is 100% fine.
YOU DEFINE YOUR GRIEF PROCESS.
No one else can do that for you. You get to choose how your process feels. You define your experience. As you come out of a broken marriage, divorce grief, loss, heartbreak, sadness, and so much more, nothing feels normal. Everything is overwhelmingly hard and nothing feels right. Be kind to yourself as you move through your grief. It is nothing to be ashamed about. The loss of a marriage (or a breakup of any kind is so devastating. It’s overwhelming. It changes your life and your soul. Hold on pain ends. It doesn’t matter how slowly you go. The truth is that time heals our wounds and the pain lessens.
I love this so much!!! I relate 10000%! I’ve lost a love to suicide and I’ve lost a love to divorce. They’re both real losses.
A loss is a loss, regardless. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand how heartbreaking each one can be. I’m glad you could relate, grief relates us all, for those who have felt it. Grief is tricky. It is not linear. It is complicated and hard. Thank you for connecting. I’m always here. Stay strong.
You have to feel to heal.
#yourgriefyourterms
I love this so much!!! I relate 10000%! I’ve lost a love to suicide and I’ve lost a love to divorce. They’re both real losses.
A loss is a loss, regardless. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can understand how heartbreaking each one can be. I’m glad you could relate, grief relates us all, for those who have felt it. Grief is tricky. It is not linear. It is complicated and hard. Thank you for connecting. I’m always here. Stay strong.